Just the thought of having sex makes your head hurt, and maybe your heart as well.
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Life happens, which means dry spells happen, am I right? No biggie—unless that dry spell morphs into more of a, well, severe drought. Wondering why don't I want to have sex anymore? Factors like stress, time, and kids can seriously zap your sex drive. That said, you shouldn't just give up on your sex life forever.
in. R ecently, I came across a very interesting article on why women lose sexual interest in happy relationships. Sex researchers Karen Sims and Marta Meana conducted a qualitative in-depth interview-based research study on 19 married women in The Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy. Three main themes emerged from their data:. However, not in the way that most people think. The majority of their participants were perfectly happy with their partners — just not their sex lives.
And most of the women mentioned many reasons why their libidos took a hike. T he first issue that emerged was institutionalization. For many of the women, marital sex was a snooze. One of the saddest truths about human sexuality is that what is often great for your emotional life comfort, security, intimacy, etc.
Many of the women were simply bored by the routine of ever-available and often unwanted marital nookie.
It was too sanitized and too socially sanctioned. One woman said:. You go from being real careful around each other and being on your best behavior. Then, of course, you start to get comfortable with one another and that changes — your bad habits come out, your bad moods come out. Desire dwindles as you become a couple. The fact that you are expected or even required to make your partner sexually happy can be a daunting responsibility — and frankly, a real buzz kill. As one sex-weary young wife put it:. The equating of a happy marriage with hot marital sex is a cultural trend that became popular sometime around the turn of the last century.
T he second issue that the women complained about was over-familiarity. Many of the women lamented the loss of romance from the marital bedroom. But it was the romance of early love, the pre-relationship dating days with all of the novelty, anticipation, and uncertainty that they longed for the most.
Well, this is never more true than in the bedroom. One of the biggest buzzkills of all is doing the same thing, the same way, every time.
Many women talked about how they could predict exactly what their honey would do next, and in what order. Kind of like their husbands had a mental checklist that they were marking off on their way to the grand finale. There is a biological reason that this would be a huge turn-off. Desire is fueled by the neurotransmitter dopamine, which rises in response to novelty and anticipation. Though oddly, that kind of spontaneous caveman behavior might have been a real panty-soaker earlier in the relationship.
Help! i don’t want to have sex with my husband
According to an exasperated year-old:. I have told him you cannot go and just grab my breasts like that anymore — It no longer turns me on — You just gotta stop. T his one was a no-brainer. Most of the women spoke of being absolutely depleted by their to-do list.
I thought the article was fascinating to read. The authors brought up some interesting points regarding the nature of female desire — one was the importance of novelty and transgression. Female desire is enhanced by an arousing ambivalence — a feeling of being slightly off-kilter — but in a manageable way.
I think a lot of this stems from the way that women are socialized to view sex and love.
Women are socialized to romanticize sex. We wanted to be wanted — often, more than anything. But, in being the object, paradoxically, we assume power. The rape fantasy is really all about being desired, it is NOT about being defeated or abused. But there are real problems with this approach. It puts a woman in a passive position where she is not the driver of her sexuality. Often, female desire is divorced from the body and experienced in a relationship based way only.
When you don’t want sex with your husband
Women are not told about their anatomy, masturbate less than men, and have sex that is based on what works for men. And they might not regard sex as such a boring chore — akin to taking out the garbage either. What can be done to turn more women on? If we could just lighten up about sex — see it as adult play perhaps — we would be better off.
‘umm, why don’t i want to have sex anymore?’
Kaye Smith PhD is a social psychologist, life coach, sex educator and fine art photographer. She is also a crazy cat lady who drinks too much tea. I am a life coach, sex educator, and fine art photographer.
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Kaye Smith PhD. in Get started. Get started Open in app. Familiarity Breeds Contempt T he second issue that the women complained about was over-familiarity. De-sexualized Roles T his one was a no-brainer. About the Author: Kaye Smith PhD is a social psychologist, life coach, sex educator and fine art photographer. Sex Women Desire Feminism Marriage. More From Medium.
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