January 11, PM Subscribe I'm looking for a partner who matches me well on a personality level and who is also naturally dominant in bed. I know similar things have been asked. I am a woman in my early 30's. I'm actively dating using online sites and meeting dates in real life and I'm looking for a good long term partner.
For me, personality-wise, part of that means a man who is self-aware, sensitive to his and my feelings, able to be vulnerable, etc. I list those qualities because they are the ones that seem, in my mind most likely inaccuratelyto contradict the qualities that I'm looking for sexually. Possibly part of my problem is that I perceive this split between the personality types of men who are dominant in bed Looking for a dominant boyfriend those who aren't.
I imagine this split might be fictional. It's been created, though, by my personal experiences with romantic partners. The ones whose personalities have been more similar to mine were not as good fits in bed. I'm naturally submissive in bed and have been since I can remember. Recently I dated a guy who was naturally dominant and I felt fulfilled sexually in a deeper way than I had before.
However, our personalities outside the bedroom weren't a good enough fit. On an attraction level, I tend to be drawn to men who are larger physically but this isn't necessary and who have a strong, masculine presence. They tend to be more aggressive, charismatic, and dominant. I wouldn't necessarily describe them as the "sensitive" or "new-age" type. However, in terms of male friends, I'm all about guys who want to talk about everything in detail, including both of our feelings and insecurities.
I think? But then again, why not? Maybe I'm telling myself I don't need it because I don't believe it's possible to find in a great sexual match. I feel certain that I do need my deep sexual desires met, which means a man who enjoys being dominant sexually in many ways. To be more explicit, I want to be restrained, tied up, spanked, lightly humiliated, etc. I want a man who wants this, and not just because I want him to want Looking for a dominant boyfriend. I know people will say that I can find both, and I want to believe that.
But tell me how. I won't really know about a guy's sexual style until we're in bed, right? And then if he's not into it I see if he has a little interest that grows into more?
Should I focus more on the non-sexual qualities until it's sexy time? I'm obviously confused about how to navigate these waters. Please, give me advice. Tell me related stories.
Throwaway : sexquestion gmail. This kind of thing is why OKCupid is great. You can answer questions about personality, bedroom leanings, politics, everything and then have the system match you to people who answer the way you're looking for a match to answer. That's where I'd go if I were you.
You can tell the system which traits and which answers are particularly important, and browse the answers of other users on the system, so you can get a good idea before you ever say 'hi' of what someone else's style is.
I think that just as in many matters sexual, it's a gamble you take. There can be certain personality cues to look for, but by and large you're not really going to be able to tell how someone is in bed until you get them there. Strike up a conversation, get to know them, and see if this Dom has emotional availability and sensitivity, as opposed to being yet another jerk roleplaying as a Dom. But yeah, it can be frustrating for those of us with specific sexual desires to broach the subject in the "getting to know you" phase.
Perhaps the reverse approach would work better. Either way, it always a gamble, as I said. Wish you the best of luck.
As someone who is dating and living with "nice guy" you know, he cares about my feelings, he thinks I'm awesome, is supportive, etc who is also my top, I swear you can really find what you want. The best way to find if someone wants what you want sexually?
Have a nice, long conversation about your desires, your needs and safer sex practices after you've gone out with them a handful of times. I know, I know. It takes the "mystery" out of sex but it makes it much more fun and creates trust when you talk about it before your genitals are mashed together.
If this is the case, you're doing it wrong. See above. Is it really essential to you that he want the same things you do in bed before you introduce him to them? It seems to me that it's more important that he be GGG and open to the possibility of kink prior to investing energy in dating him.
It absolutely is possible, because I found one just like that actually, he found me. We met on OKCupid. Answer lots of sex questions. You don't even have to answer them publicly. A lot of people think they are dom me s when what they actually are is bullies.
Finding someone who is a skilled dom me who is also someone who is fun to be with when you're not having a scene is hard. But not impossible. I agree with Jairus that internet dating can be a useful way to put what you want--both in the bedroom and in the rest of the relationship--out there.
Another way to meet doms is to become involved in your local kink-positive community. If you lived in the Boston area, I might suggest that you volunteer to work on the annual Fetish Flea or similar events; if you lived in the Seattle area, the Center for Sex-Positive Culture has a lot of events. Good luck! Sure, wimpy friends and manly boyfriends is as common in women as the Madonna-Whore Complex is for men.
But it doesn't sound like that's what the OP wants. This is something I've struggled with as well, and I haven't found that perfect Mr. This has at least helped me break down that idea I had that people would be the same in bed as Looking for a dominant boyfriend were in normal life.
8 tips when dating a dominant man
There are lots of ways to do that. Obviously, real life is the best - you can get involved in your local BDSM scene if you want. That wasn't the best option for me, but YMMV. Or you can start talking to your friends more about this stuff - you may be surprised at what they get up to behind closed doors.
When I first started exploring this stuff, I was way too nervous to talk to friends or go to local events, so I turned to the online BDSM community.
There's a lot of bullshit out there, but if you can wade through that, there are a lot of great blogs written by submissive women with the kind of guy you're looking for. Elodie on Love is the first one that comes to mind - she doesn't update much anymore, but you can read through the archives. Past the Hurt is another good one - she calls her husband "Wonder Boy" because he's so sweet and sensitive, but he's very dominant in the sack.
As for practical suggestions, I like Dan Savage's advice can't find the link - bring it up early, and present it like you're giving your partner a present - this is fun stuff he gets to do because he's with you! Lucky him, his smart, cool girlfriend is also a bit kinky! If he's into it, awesome, if not, well, I personally think that's ok grounds for breaking up - not everyone is going to be right for you. Whether or not it's that important to you is up to you.
More likely is the scenario that he gives it a try because it turns you on - would you be ok with that?
Nth-ing Jairus. I used online dating specifically, OkCupid to find my dominant partner, who is a sweet and very emotionally open well, at least with me man. I specifically tweaked my questions that I answered so that dominant people would match highly with me, then looked at all the profiles of high matches to find people who might have compatible personalities.
FWIW, I've had periods of Looking for a dominant boyfriend where I discovered partners' sexual styles by being sexual with them, and I've also had periods of dating where I discovered partners' sexual styles by talking about sexuality with them.
Yeah, the latter approach means you lose a bit of mystery. But it can be a pretty hot conversation if you want it to be that way, and it can also save you some weirdness. I can't speak to how to find them, but the kind of person you are looking for absolutely does exist.
It's like if I were to ask how I could find a smart, confident, and assertive woman who was also submissive in bed -- you wouldn't have to look far to find Looking for a dominant boyfriend example, you know? There's no contradiction in the qualities you are looking for, and please don't settle for less. The best thing to do is put what you wrote here on something like OKCupid.
If you know what you want, the best way to get it is to ask for it. There's no reason it has to wait until Date X until it comes up. Three days ago, a person asked "what is good sex for men? Also, the list of things you want to do is in my opinion, and I could be wrong within the scope of things-most-men-would-enjoy-doing-in bed, and I don't think you have to worry about finding a man particularly or exclusively interested in BDSM.